Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Lessons in enough

The hubs has his second job interview at noon today (it's currently 11:58am). More than an interview, it is an audition of sorts-- he is giving a presentation to a class of sixth graders in hopes of landing a job teaching humanities at a fantastic private school. Quite nervous, he is, and doubting his capabilities and talent.
I sit at my desk and send him a silent message (as I often do)..."I love you; you can do this" I repeat in silent meditation over and over in hopes that he will feel my fervent support. But the message I immediately got back was "love is not enough."
If love is indeed insufficient, then what shall I give? Hubs has, during this (too long) period of unemployment, stated that I have not given him the kind of support he requires. But when I earnestly asked what he needed from me, he could not articulate.
So, every day I give all that I can. I get up in the morning before the sun is up, prepare for the day and commute to work. I spend the daylight hours performing my office duties at a job that I enjoy (but does not begin to fulfill my calling in life). I take care of others, and then drive home to care for MY "others", my family. Dinners are prepared, a munchkin gets a bath (if it's a good day), and we try to enjoy a few hours of family life before the cycle starts all over again. I know that we are blessed, and I am so thankful for all we have.
But carrying this all is kind of starting to hurt my shoulders...
I continue to follow this routine daily as my way of showing support and love for my family. I pay every bill (one task among many) so we can have a cozy home, food in our pantry, and so that TQ can have a happy childhood. I may not be the perfect cheerleader, and my support might not be in the form of fresh flowers on the nightstand, or frosted cupcakes on a platter delivered with a smile (although we do make cupcakes from time to time), but it's what I can give. It's my heart in the form of homemade lasagna, or a game of CandyLand, or clean, cool sheets on the bed.
I think it's enough. I hope it's enough.
At least for today.


Melissa Darby said...

I think that you are awesome and I admire your persistence and support! Good luck to your hubby, I hope that all goes well

Tiffanie said...

I second that, Melissa. You fully rock, Heather. Trying to balance work & play & caring for a little one with keeping house & maintaining a happy marriage is so much to deal with. It is *so* worth it, but often times incredibly soul sucking. Communication is our greatest ally and tool. Keep you chin up as you continue to speak your truths to one another. We are all so lucky to have the lives we are co-creating.

Good luck to your hubby! Sounds like a wonderful opportunity for him. :)

heather rene said...

Thank you, ladies. It brings a tear to my eye (in a good way) to feel that immediate encouragement. Perhaps it takes another mother to really understand what we go through.

Amy Wing said...

The job you do is admirable, and you have a lot of strength. I think you will one day look back on this time in your life and wonder how you didn't crumple under the load... it won't always be this hard. Hang in there. I love your optimistic nature and the ability to see good.

Joyce said...

Hello Heather, I visit here once in awhile{even though I know you having blogging without obligation down pat! LOL}just to hangout and reread and re-drool over certain things...and wonder if your hubby got the job, etc. Happy happies.