The hubs has his second job interview at noon today (it's currently 11:58am). More than an interview, it is an audition of sorts-- he is giving a presentation to a class of sixth graders in hopes of landing a job teaching humanities at a fantastic private school. Quite nervous, he is, and doubting his capabilities and talent.
I sit at my desk and send him a silent message (as I often do)..."I love you; you can do this" I repeat in silent meditation over and over in hopes that he will feel my fervent support. But the message I immediately got back was "love is not enough."
If love is indeed insufficient, then what shall I give? Hubs has, during this (too long) period of unemployment, stated that I have not given him the kind of support he requires. But when I earnestly asked what he needed from me, he could not articulate.
So, every day I give all that I can. I get up in the morning before the sun is up, prepare for the day and commute to work. I spend the daylight hours performing my office duties at a job that I enjoy (but does not begin to fulfill my calling in life). I take care of others, and then drive home to care for MY "others", my family. Dinners are prepared, a munchkin gets a bath (if it's a good day), and we try to enjoy a few hours of family life before the cycle starts all over again. I know that we are blessed, and I am so thankful for all we have.
But carrying this all is kind of starting to hurt my shoulders...
I continue to follow this routine daily as my way of showing support and love for my family. I pay every bill (one task among many) so we can have a cozy home, food in our pantry, and so that TQ can have a happy childhood. I may not be the perfect cheerleader, and my support might not be in the form of fresh flowers on the nightstand, or frosted cupcakes on a platter delivered with a smile (although we do make cupcakes from time to time), but it's what I can give. It's my heart in the form of homemade lasagna, or a game of CandyLand, or clean, cool sheets on the bed.
I think it's enough. I hope it's enough.
At least for today.